** Trigger Warning.
There is growth in pain. You just have to find the lesson and learn it.
On the 26th of October, my world changed. I got those two beautiful lines on a pregnancy test. I was so excited I couldn't contain it, I was on the phone to many people, haha. A couple of days later I had my blood test to confirm. I was 4 weeks 5 days. The next week was bliss.
I started thinking about what we will need, actually bought furniture for the nursery! All the girls at work knew I was pregnant, I felt whole.
The morning of the 3rd of November, I had no idea what the day was about to become.
I got to work at 8:30am and suddenly had a feeling something wasn't right. It's funny, my gut knew something was wrong, before it even happened. And then, BAM. Intense period pain.
Ran to the bathroom, saw the blood and just broke down crying. I asked my boss, is bleeding normal? And as she said, "a little bit can be normal' I broke down again, and said 'this isn't right, I am losing my baby'. Took myself to the hospital and after my ultrasound I knew bubba wasn't there anymore. As I was cleaning myself up after the internal scan, I saw my little one.
Anyone that has had a miscarriage and has seen the tissue come out, you know it just looks like a massive clot, but in my head, I saw my baby.
I felt empty, it was a horrible day.
The following days, I stayed home. I had family visit and friends sending me flowers and breakfast (you know who you are). I sat down and said, okay, Jasmine, how are we going to deal with this so I don't lose myself. I actually went through the stages of grieve, without even realising it. I was numb. I started journalling, mediating and listening to podcasts.
Reading through my journal entries just breaks my heart. One line says 'The pain hurts, but my soul hurts more, I had you, then i lost you, I don't understand'. I'm crying reading through my notes.
Then, somehow, I began to understand. It wasn't my fault, I didn't do this. I believe the universe doesn't give you something you can't handle, and I did it. I am stronger because of it.
I couldn't believe how many women have experienced miscarriage. Once I posted about it, I had many people reaching out to me. I believe knowing I wasn't the only one, it helped me through. Its a horrible feeling losing your baby, and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
And even if you feel alone in it, I hope you find comfort in the fact that you are not.
Whats next? continued healing and love. We are ready to try again. So universe? Show me what you have in store. I'm ready. We are ready.